Coincidence or Truth?

20 Jan

Which sounds deeper than it is, it’s not. It’s a bit of a realisation I’ve come to and one I intend to believe is not true and just a coincidence because I am sick and tired of feeling like a piece of shit.

I’m not quite sure how to stop it I just know that it seems to be a pattern among the people I’m friends with…let me explain.

Every time I become good friends with someone, it’s good for a while then they start spreading our inside jokes to other people, get closer to them aaaaaand I’m alone again. Great.

It’s happened almost every single time and is why I’ve given up trying to even make friends because why bother. My “I don’t care” sense of living partly stems from the fact that the people who used to be friends with me just don’t care anymore and the cycle repeats…which I should be used to by now but obviously it’s not the case and I can’t really talk about this with anyone so here’s my vent.

I understand the concept of moving on but there’s moving on and then there’s completely isolating me and ignoring me like I’ve got some sort of invisible cloak…and people ask why I’d rather be alone…because I don’t get hurt. It’s when I’ve actually got other people and then get completely left out that hurts the most. I understand why it happens sometimes but I’ve never really been one for people involving me in things so when they do it’s a surprise…which contradicts what I just said but this goes back to the point that I should be used to it by now but I’m not because as much as I’d like to think I’m a robot, I’m not. I have feelings ok. I. HAVE. FEELINGS.

Alright there’s my vent, I’ve been holding this in for a while now…sorry.

-H

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On Friendships and Why I don’t care anymore…but I also kindof do?

19 Dec

I care…a lot…I care a lot about my friends…I care an INSANE amount…so much in fact that I don’t even know how to cope with it so I’ve learned to not care in a way…if I’ve ever said I feel a bit like a robot in the past (because I do feel like that sometimes) well then this honestly doesn’t help my case.

When I say I feel robotic I mean I lack some some emotion when I feel like I should feel more than I do…outer emotion at least, because inside I am a mess!…sometimes

I’m not quite sure how or why or when this started but my friends and I used to have a give and take sort of relationship and it then became more of a take and then we fade away only to have occasional awkward chats in the hallways before class starts.

(related to my previous post) When a friend or acquaintance starts to hate me for not doing the thing they wanted me to do well then so be it…I’m not going against my own personal standards to satisfy other people. It’s wrong in my opinion and is the equivalent of changing yourself for other people who let’s be honest probably don’t care about you or like you in the first place!

And like I said before, if people don’t enjoy my company then they should honestly not do so because there are other people out there they enjoy the company of more than me so why are they talking to me if I’m not even one of the people they enjoy having a chat with…

Y’know, I’m just tired, this is the kind of thing that upsets me…more than people leaving (life moves on y’know) it’s just people hanging out with me when they would rather be with other people they would probably get along with better makes me sad because why? Why would you put yourself through this? Why would you talk to me if you do not enjoy or if I annoy you in some way…It’s easy to just fade away and I feel robotic because some people would feel really bad or sad about it but I, on the other hand don’t really care? I care about my friends of course, even if we’re not friends anymore it’s just that I won’t be as hurt if they decide to not be friends anymore…does that make sense?

Several people have told me that I am not robotic and ok I’m not I just feel it when I have less emotions than I feel like I should have…I honestly don’t even know how to deal with that…I thought I had an actual problem but it turns out it’s just that I’ve become immune to that sort of pain in a way? I’ve been through it way too many times to count and I guess I’ve learned to stop letting my brain hurt me so I just…pretend like it was never a big deal…which is a bad thing but is actually my only coping mechanism I don’t know what to do with my life sometimes ok. Life is complicated if people have any healthier coping mechanisms than maybe, just maybe I could try that but for now this will have to do.

Or it honestly could all just be in my head…I’ll never know because people aren’t clear enough.

Sorry about the double rant, I’ve just been feeling a bit stressed about a lot lately and that got me thinking about this and I felt the need to express how I feel about the topic.

– T

 

On Happiness and People

19 Dec

(Just to keep note: I don’t want to stop associating with anyone I am merely pointing out this little thing I’ve noticed and it’s more people wanting to disassociate with me so don’t worry)

What I should say is on other people’s happiness but I’m not quite sure if it’s the right way to phrase it so I’ll just explain it.

Over the years you get to meet a lot of people and talk to them and with some maybe even be friends and whatnot…but sometimes friendships fade and that’s just a part of life.

But then there is the more complicated side to friendship that is when one or both friends kindof don’t get along anymore but don’t hate each other they’ve just moved on in their lives I suppose, well then the friend or friends that want to move on a bit stay because they don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. Complicated isn’t it?

Well let me tell you this: if any of my friends or acquaintances don’t want to be associated with me well then that’s fine, I’d rather people be happy with people they’d rather be with than be miserable or whatever with people they like they just don’t get along with anymore…

I feel like sometimes people pretend to want to keep being friends with someone because they don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt and honestly I think everyone’s feelings are going to get hurt anyways but people have to just do what makes them happy, I’m not saying don’t keep in touch if you don’t want to let go completely, I’m just saying don’t feel obliged to keep the friendship at the same level that it was if that doesn’t make you happy.

So basically, what I’m saying is: you can still be friends without being close.

-T

 

On friends…again?

7 Dec

Real talk: I’ve never been super close with any of my friends, except maybe two people but that has long gone and since then, I haven’t had anyone I was close to.

Now I’m not sure if this is my fault or if this is because people don’t enjoy my company or if it’s a combination of the two. Going back to the “on having low self esteem” post I can honestly say I feel the same way about this as in I don’t know if people think I’m annoying or not which therefore makes me less likely to talk to people because I don’t want to annoy and/or bother anyone or make them feel like “UGH SHE’S TALKING TO ME AGAIN OK PLEASE LEAVE MY FACE” so I just…don’t.

So back to the fact that I’ve never been super close with anyone thing…yeah how does that stop? How does one find people that they enjoy talking to and eventually you know…friends? I don’t know, I only have questions not answers.

When I say “I’m confused” what I mean is “How does one live this thing called life and not be sad or angry or blegh all the time? How do people live blissful lives without having extreme anxiety?”

I mean this is just another burst of reality for ya, it’s also something I came to realise very recently and I don’t really know what to do about it, what I do know is I don’t know what to do but I hope that someday I will because I need some sort of positive development in my life as appose to this shitty development I call a deteriorated state of mental well-being.

WHAT DO I DO

-T

On Stress

27 Nov

I’m stressed and like many human beings I tend to take a turn for the worst…especially since I’ve been kindof depressed and I don’t really have control over it(?) 

What I love most is that this is what pushes people away, they hate me kinda and I don’t really care because they were never really there for me anyways so why start now right? 🙂

Oh and of course because I’m taking a class that’s internally and externally hurting me, I can’t stay positive towards it…and the professor isn’t that great either. 

Internal: I’m depressed and the class creates the kind of stress I need therapy for, also I really just don’t like this class.

External: The camera bag, the laptop to edit shit AND the tripod have actually injured my shoulders and back a few times and the last thing I need is an injury that prevents me from carrying shit for a while. 

I just need a break. A real break. A real break from uni “friends” (meh) and everything related to uni because I hate everything now and I don’t think that’s healthy…

On a scale of 1-10 how happy I am to leave uni for the winter holidays? 15. That’s actually slightly less than the 17/10 when the summer holidays began.

Just remember I am human, I’m having a hard time and the true test of friendship is at risk and they’ve failed so “friends” is gonna remain in quotes. I’m not gonna pretend to be ok, I don’t have the energy for it so take me or leave me I’m not changing for anybody. I love how the people who are asking me to be less negative are also the ones who’ve never properly cared about anything related to me and who don’t really wanna hear my stories or anything anyways so what’s the deal with that? I dunno honestly but all I can say is it’s all pure bullshit and I love* every single minute of it.  

-T

*despise 

The Paranoid Thought: A Poem

23 Nov

Every morning I wake up I think “when are people going to realise I’m annoying?” and then people talk to me and I’m like “ok so not today”.

Then when they talk to me I think “ok do they think I’m annoying now? When will they? Will there be a time when everyone will conspire against me and then boom I have nothing?”

Maybe this is why I can never get close to someone, I mean the last time I had a close friend was a few years ago, haven’t had one since…not that I really care to be honest, I’m just saying perhaps this is the issue.

I can’t fix it. I don’t know how. How do I stop thinking this?

I just want to know whether or not people think I’m annoying! I’m damn tired of this shit.

I need answers.

I need this to STOP.

– T

On Twitter and my lack of confidence

21 Nov

because that is my life now apparently…

I just wanted to put it out there because I dunno what else I can do to let it out so here it goes…

I’m really shy, like really really shy  but also not really…like I get anxiety and “oh god they probably think I’m annoying now yup ok I am forever annoying it’s ok who needs friends or Internet “friends” (because they can be real but also I dunno if anyone is real with me so I’m gonna continue putting that in quotes) anyways right… RIGHT”…and I also get a mini anxiety attack because of it so I can’t @ mention or tag someone unless they tweeted first…I also can’t do the direct message thing…unless it’s an emergency or they message me first…see if they message me first that means they don’t think I’m annoying or that they wanna chat but I honestly don’t know if anyone genuinely does think I’m annoying or hate me or anything, maybe they’re just following me because they’ve done it so long they don’t want it to get awkward so they just I dunno… mute me? Do they? I have no idea…and I don’t think I want to know. I also wouldn’t blame them for it because I can be an annoying piece of shit so it makes sense…

Ok so bottom line: sorry if you wanted me to @ mention you or DM you but I didn’t and I can’t and if u genuinely want it (I dunno why, I’m a pretty dull person, genuinely don’t know why you would) but if you do then you message me because clearly I can’t do it, nor do I have anything interesting to say, if you wanted just to say hi or howz it going or something than I really can’t do that because thinking about it gives me anxiety and I might cry so I’m sorry but I’d rather not have my brain think I’m the most annoying person on earth. 

Also because I’m on Twitter all the time, I can see that people are busy or studying or partying so the last thing I want to do is bother them…people have lives you know…lives outside of the Internet. 

– T