You ever had that one thing that someone said that flooded back all of the stuff that you’ve repressed or gotten used to? This is my breaking point. Granted, I did get used to it, not saying I haven’t broken down about it before but I don’t really mind it (the thing itself, not the breakdowns…those are horrible). It’s not anyone’s fault. Nobody is at fault for this, this is my doing. I don’t mind talking about it but talking about it usually comes with the occasional cry-fest which I would rather not have, not with other people at least. In this case, I did talk about it vaguely or relate to a situation but at one point I did almost cry so bravo to me for holding that in…until I was alone again. I really hope nobody noticed because sometimes I can tell when people get a little bit choked-up (don’t even go there) but I don’t know how obvious or not it was with me. I don’t think it was obvious or else someone might have mentioned it.
When I have been broken down for 3 days straight, I get in this weird limbo where nothing can make me feel better but nothing can make me feel worse. Unless it’s heartwarming or sad then yes everything gets way worse. You know how bad a breakdown is when all you can listen to without a breakdown is extremely heavy metal and youtube videos where nobody takes anything seriously because even tv shows you thought you could trust hurts and even music that have no sad connotations breaks me down. This is what I go through, this is what i wish I could talk about but how does one even put it into words…I just feel…worthless…that is really it, summarized into one word.
I don’t care. I want to not care. But I do, why do I care so much. Why do I care so much about things when honestly nothing matters. Not caring about things may not be good mentally, I’m not sure, but it sure beats emotions. Why do feelings exist?
I create my own misery. I understand that. In a way, I put myself in this position, it’s my fault. It always is, isn’t it. I mean realistically it isn’t but let’s be honest here it feels like it is. I rarely think “it’s their fault” in reference to someone else, I usually think “yeah ok it’s probably my fault”.
Why do I apologise a lot? People always ask me why I apologise a lot and that I should stop. I try but I can’t? Ok I know what you’re thinking “but you don’t have a reason to apologise” but oh yes I do, if I feel like I make all the mistakes, like I am a burden, like I myself am a mistake then me apologising is me basically saying “I’m sorry I exist, I’ll try to be less of a disappointment” DESPITE NOT BEING A DISAPPOINTMENT IN THE FIRST PLACE (well to some people yes but that is a whole other thing hahaha).
So why put this out in the world because I would honestly rather talk about it with someone or just vent bloody vent about it but I can’t, I honestly can’t be vulnerable with someone. Oh and also (and possibly the biggest factor here) I feel like a burden when I do talk about myself. And when it’s about what may or may not be a mental breakdown (I’m not sure honestly but my guess is yes based on the fact it’s been 3 days of this shit) I really can’t because how do I even put into words that it appears that I purposely torture myself with thoughts and I honestly don’t know how to put it into words but every so often I convince myself that nobody’s being real or honest, everything is a lie but most of all I convince myself this is how I’ll always feel and how I was a mistake in the first place, a time machine would be great right now. I mean is it really so bad to want to be a hermit? Would that not hurt less? Cause less breakdowns?
Video Killed the radio store....Internet killed video 