The Paranoid Thought: A Poem

23 Nov

Every morning I wake up I think “when are people going to realise I’m annoying?” and then people talk to me and I’m like “ok so not today”.

Then when they talk to me I think “ok do they think I’m annoying now? When will they? Will there be a time when everyone will conspire against me and then boom I have nothing?”

Maybe this is why I can never get close to someone, I mean the last time I had a close friend was a few years ago, haven’t had one since…not that I really care to be honest, I’m just saying perhaps this is the issue.

I can’t fix it. I don’t know how. How do I stop thinking this?

I just want to know whether or not people think I’m annoying! I’m damn tired of this shit.

I need answers.

I need this to STOP.

– T


On Twitter and my lack of confidence

21 Nov

because that is my life now apparently…

I just wanted to put it out there because I dunno what else I can do to let it out so here it goes…

I’m really shy, like really really shy  but also not really…like I get anxiety and “oh god they probably think I’m annoying now yup ok I am forever annoying it’s ok who needs friends or Internet “friends” (because they can be real but also I dunno if anyone is real with me so I’m gonna continue putting that in quotes) anyways right… RIGHT”…and I also get a mini anxiety attack because of it so I can’t @ mention or tag someone unless they tweeted first…I also can’t do the direct message thing…unless it’s an emergency or they message me first…see if they message me first that means they don’t think I’m annoying or that they wanna chat but I honestly don’t know if anyone genuinely does think I’m annoying or hate me or anything, maybe they’re just following me because they’ve done it so long they don’t want it to get awkward so they just I dunno… mute me? Do they? I have no idea…and I don’t think I want to know. I also wouldn’t blame them for it because I can be an annoying piece of shit so it makes sense…

Ok so bottom line: sorry if you wanted me to @ mention you or DM you but I didn’t and I can’t and if u genuinely want it (I dunno why, I’m a pretty dull person, genuinely don’t know why you would) but if you do then you message me because clearly I can’t do it, nor do I have anything interesting to say, if you wanted just to say hi or howz it going or something than I really can’t do that because thinking about it gives me anxiety and I might cry so I’m sorry but I’d rather not have my brain think I’m the most annoying person on earth. 

Also because I’m on Twitter all the time, I can see that people are busy or studying or partying so the last thing I want to do is bother them…people have lives you know…lives outside of the Internet. 

– T

How to make friends

16 Nov

I don’t know. 

I am genuinely a failure, I can’t keep a friendship and I don’t know how to make them. Everybody seems to be friends with people already, how does that happen? And not in a “I’m friends but we can be friends” kind of way, but in a “I have friends, I don’t have time for you, bye” kind of way. Funny.

I don’t know how to make friends. This is just a burst of reality for ya. 
That’s it.
– T

On being an outsider…everywhere

14 Nov

Once and outsider, always an outsider…it’s not necessarily a hopeful saying but also I have hope in things that matter…this happens to not matter…this doesn’t matter.

It of course doesn’t apply to the general human population but it definitely, 100%, applies to me…which, when I cared about it went back to “am I good enough?” or “what’s wrong with me?” type thinking but nah I don’t even care now. I’d rather be an outsider than a robotic follower…which is 100% true and I am proud of that.

How can you have FOMO if you don’t even care? You don’t. That’s my answer. You just, don’t.

Oh wait you came here because you wanted a story about me being an outsider? HAHAHA ok ok I don’t have any because I live the outsider life apparently…ok I have a little activity that can tell you a story ok are you ready?

Ok here it is: Ask everyone to gather around and make them talk about a subject by making them pick out a piece of paper with a topic (as a group 1 piece of paper), then you come in and pick out a piece of paper and try to talk to them about your subject.

Boom. There you go. You’ve just experienced an extremely mild version of what I go through daily, appreciate the friends who don’t FOMO you, if you have FOMO that is…if you have FOMO appreciate those who don’t make you feel that way.

That’s my piece of advice for the day (not that I do these daily or anything), I just need to let out my outsider status because it feels like everyone’s got a very insider-type thing so I of course had to come out and speak for the outsiders because they don’t get the recognition they need…ANYWAYS that’s it.

Be free little ones, live life to your heart’s content ❤



On my annoying personality aka Truth or Paranoia?

4 Nov

Usually when I’m really busy but keep thinking about things that are unrelated I get distracted and lose focus and stop working. This is the case now, you don’t have to read my little rant/confession(?)/I don’t even know I just need to say a thing.

You can leave or stay, up to you but this will be pretty pessimistic and I don’t recommend you read this unless you’re willing to be patient because I feel kindof bad and I need to let out what’s on my mind…nobody really reads this so I dunno why I felt the need to state this but in case anybody comes in, hi, i’m sorry about this I’m not usually like this I just need to vent a bit.

Alrighty then, here’s the thing: I know I can be annoying, because I am a human being. Human beings can be annoying, this is true, but I know that I, in particular can be an annoying little shit sometimes…or all the time…it really depends on how I’m feeling that day.

Sometimes people hint at it, sometimes people don’t, sometimes I know I’m annoying but I have to say what I’m saying or doing what I’m doing but sometimes I don’t know I’m being annoying and I would really like people to tell me whether or not I’ve crossed a line.

I know it sounds weird and a lot of people (maybe not) out there will say “no you’re not annoying!”, but I am. That’s not like I’m downgrading myself or trying to be purposely mean to myself or anything but I know that annoyance is a factor of my personality as a person. I’ve become distant with a lot of friends…or more like they’ve become distant with me…does that make sense? Well you get the point. I feel like a part of that (maybe it’s not all of it, maybe it is I don’t know) has to do with the fact that I am annoying, yes ladies and gentlemen, I am aware of it but I don’t know how to fix it…hence why I’m distant with friends. I thought maybe not talking to them as often or as much might be healthier so nobody yells at me for being THE MOST ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT and we keep it light and easy but that’s not what happened, instead, my friends and I are quite distant from each other to the point where we barely even talk…or actually…we don’t talk at all. I know I’m supposed to say something, text them perhaps, but I have nothing to say! Which I’m pretty sure was the subject of one of my previous posts…not sure…but I remember mentioning how people say “if you ever wanna talk, just DM me” to which I don’t because I have nothing to say and even if I did I wouldn’t want to bother them with my useless shit so I don’t say anything at all.

Some people might find that annoying, but maybe they don’t, maybe they think “good riddens! She was so annoying, I’m glad she’s gone” which to be honest is how I imagine most people’s thinking when it comes to me, if anyone ever sees this and goes “no you’re not!” I’m still not gonna believe them and I will probably continue believing that they are just nice people who don’t want to hurt me but also think I’m annoying…heck maybe this post annoys you…I DON’T KNOW!

I’ve seen a lot of people say things like “i’m dumb” or “i’m ugly” when that’s not true, but I can’t help but think “i’m annoying” all the freakin time.

I don’t know where I’m going with this…look what I’m trying to say is I’m annoying and I’m sorry about that. Sometimes I’m annoying for a purpose like I am aware of my annoyance and that the other person is annoyed but I have to say what I’m saying because there is a legitimate good reason behind it. However, sometimes I’m annoying but I don’t mean to be, in these instances it would be nice to give me a friendly hint about it because I need to know where to draw the line, please don’t let me go overboard. I will try to be less annoying but I honestly don’t know how to stop it other than to stop communicating completely…which is also why I’m quiet with my friends in real life…and the internet humans really…unless someone says something I can respond to or asks a question I’ve recently become quieter because I don’t want to annoy or bother anyone at all, I am thoroughly sorry for any disturbance or annoyance I have caused and I will not take it personally if you choose to stop communicating with me, I mean it’s up to you I’ve been alone for so long I’m not used to talking to people that now I do it feels weird…and exhausting…wow I really am an introvert…

In other words I’m annoying, I’m sorry about that and if I ever annoy you please let me know.

Honestly, just writing this out made me feel better about it, it’s something I’m really trying to change and stop but I can’t do that if I don’t know I am.

(oh and if you got this far: hi, please don’t think negative thoughts about yourself because they’re not true, I’m just having a bit of a mental breakdown due to stress, lack of sleep and a whole bunch of shit you don’t want to have in your head, so just think positively or at least try!)

Thank you 🙂

– T

On Jokes and how they can get real old, real quick

29 Oct

For the past few years I have noticed a pattern with people, they keep telling the same jokes over and over again, with adjustments here but basically tell the same joke again and again just re-worded.

It’s like reading a last minute essay that didn’t have much to say so the person just repeats and regurgitates the information but they re-word it each time.

A good joke is like a bar of chocolate…have too much of it and you’ll be sick but have just enough and it’ll be fabulous.

Metaphors aside, I really do think people need to stop regurgitating the same joke again and again and again and again and again and again and well you get the picture…I have been a victim of such a joke, my friends remember an incident that occurred around 5 or 6 years ago and repeat the funny story over and over and over and over and- to the point where I don’t think it’s funny anymore, just really, really, really, really annoying. Which is what happens when other people repeat the same stories or tell the same jokes and honestly, sometimes you can tell the same old jokes again and again but periodically, occasionally, with lots of time in between not on a weekly, monthly, daily basis because to be honest, the more someone tells a joke the less funny it gets or the less funny it gets TO ME, emphasis on me because I cannot speak for the general audience of such a joke.

I was never one to laugh at anything but I did find the humour in things but honestly if I laugh at something but that laughter turns to anger then I know the joke’s gone too long and too far for me to find it funny anymore.

Sometimes people take it too far, to the point where nobody wants to be involved anymore but you’re just going to be nice to stop such a joke. I can’t deal with jokes that go too far, it’s too much…It’s just too much for me to keep being patient about.

I’d like to say “if anybody does this to you, then confront them about it” but I think that if you are annoyed or angry that you may not be able to control yourself and just burst. However, if you do want this to stop then do confront the person and tell them in a jokingly friendly way with a sincere smile like “hahaha XD don’t you think this joke’s gone on for long enough?? It’s not gonna be funny if we tell it every time! :D” Or something like that and if they don’t stop, then get serious.

Sorry about this little rant, it’s just it bothers me a little when my friends reguritate my old  somewhat-embarressing stories OK YES IT HAPPENED CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON! 🙂


On Having a Low Self Esteem

28 Oct

Here’s the thing…I always thought there was something inherently wrong with me, I always felt annoying, like I annoyed everyone around me. I’m not sure why I think this, but I do and I actually believe this to be true.

Sometimes I feel like people are being nice to me when they don’t tell me I’m annoying but it doesn’t matter if they do because I AM annoying, or at least I feel like I am ALL THE DAMN TIME. The issue with feeling this way is that maybe sometimes it’s not true but I won’t know when it is or isn’t because I define myself as annoying and so that, to me, is a trait that makes up a large portion of my personality.

I am a relatively confident person, I am pretty confident with myself and my actions, however I have “low self esteem” apparently,  which means:

  • Believing that’s there’s something wrong with me…yeah, true.
  • “self esteem” or “panic” attacks when I do something I think is stupid or in my case, annoying, or when I do something that I think is stupid AND annoying at the same time, like message someone and if they don’t answer my question or something I get all panicky and sometimes out of breath? Yeah that happens. All. The. Freakin. Time. Which is why I don’t message people that often and on Twitter when people say “oh DM me, we gotta continue this convo” or “u ok? if you wanna talk, I’m here to listen” ok I really need to let this out.
    • in the first instance when people say “we gotta chat later, DM me or hit me up” makes me feel anxious to do so because
      • A: people are busy and I really don’t wanna bother them
      • B: I don’t really have much to say so to start a conversation other people probably don’t even want me to talk to them (see A) then why even bother.
    • In the second instance aka the “if something’s wrong and you wanna chat come DM me and I’ll listen” or whatever it does 2 things
      • Just the fact that people offered makes me feel better but also
      • It makes me feel like I’m a burden and a little bit annoying so I don’t bother and basically let it ride out because I literally don’t have anyone to talk to about the shit I’m anxious, nervous, angry or sad about.

Now I know this sounds stupid but I don’t know, maybe I’m over analysing this but I just dont’ want to be a burden or anything like that. I just want everyone to not be annoyed by me which is never going to happen so again, why bother.

I’ve spent a large portion of my life not talking to people about my problems and shit and basically dealing with it myself, because for the last few years I haven’t had anyone I could confide in, that one friend that calls me up at 7 in the morning on holidays just to vent about the thing that’s upsetting them, but even in those days I never had the confidence to call them up and talk about my problems…I think I need some real help. So because I’ve spent a large portion, more specifically, the last few years without anyone I could properly talk to and confide in, I’ve kindof gotten used to this “loner” status of mine but it’s strange because I get a little sad when I see close friends confide in each other which kindof hurts soemtimes but like I said, I don’t even care anymore. Life is life, I’ll live and see what happens because who even gives a shit anymore.

Which is weird and true and boy oh boy does this clear up shit for me, also just letting it out makes me feel better? Which is a weird concept for me because I would’ve thought this would make me feel worse but nah, it makes me give no shits about it. I should stop overthinking but I can’t help myself and I do try but like I said: I don’t want to be annoying or a burden on anyone! I get really happy when people take me up on my offer and I don’t feel annoyed at all, but I can’t take up other people’s offer because I feel like I’M the annoying one and that is just the last thing I want to be, right next to accountant (because I’m really bad with math but accountants are pretty cool sometimes so it’s not supposed to be insulting I’m just being realistic with myself in that I couldn’t be one if I wanted to to be honest”

I’ve said in previous posts that I’ve been having these “panic moments” not as serious as a panic attack but like a tiny version lasting a couple of seconds? It happens when I do something I deem to be stupid, annoying or when I think about things that I don’t necessarily want to think about or when people are hurt and I can’t help and DAMMIT I DON’T KNOW.

I just needed to put it out there.

Great. Now move on, get going with your day, I hope you have a great one 🙂