Archive | December, 2016

On Friendships and Why I don’t care anymore…but I also kindof do?

19 Dec

I care…a lot…I care a lot about my friends…I care an INSANE amount…so much in fact that I don’t even know how to cope with it so I’ve learned to not care in a way…if I’ve ever said I feel a bit like a robot in the past (because I do feel like that sometimes) well then this honestly doesn’t help my case.

When I say I feel robotic I mean I lack some some emotion when I feel like I should feel more than I do…outer emotion at least, because inside I am a mess!…sometimes

I’m not quite sure how or why or when this started but my friends and I used to have a give and take sort of relationship and it then became more of a take and then we fade away only to have occasional awkward chats in the hallways before class starts.

(related to my previous post) When a friend or acquaintance starts to hate me for not doing the thing they wanted me to do well then so be it…I’m not going against my own personal standards to satisfy other people. It’s wrong in my opinion and is the equivalent of changing yourself for other people who let’s be honest probably don’t care about you or like you in the first place!

And like I said before, if people don’t enjoy my company then they should honestly not do so because there are other people out there they enjoy the company of more than me so why are they talking to me if I’m not even one of the people they enjoy having a chat with…

Y’know, I’m just tired, this is the kind of thing that upsets me…more than people leaving (life moves on y’know) it’s just people hanging out with me when they would rather be with other people they would probably get along with better makes me sad because why? Why would you put yourself through this? Why would you talk to me if you do not enjoy or if I annoy you in some way…It’s easy to just fade away and I feel robotic because some people would feel really bad or sad about it but I, on the other hand don’t really care? I care about my friends of course, even if we’re not friends anymore it’s just that I won’t be as hurt if they decide to not be friends anymore…does that make sense?

Several people have told me that I am not robotic and ok I’m not I just feel it when I have less emotions than I feel like I should have…I honestly don’t even know how to deal with that…I thought I had an actual problem but it turns out it’s just that I’ve become immune to that sort of pain in a way? I’ve been through it way too many times to count and I guess I’ve learned to stop letting my brain hurt me so I just…pretend like it was never a big deal…which is a bad thing but is actually my only coping mechanism I don’t know what to do with my life sometimes ok. Life is complicated if people have any healthier coping mechanisms than maybe, just maybe I could try that but for now this will have to do.

Or it honestly could all just be in my head…I’ll never know because people aren’t clear enough.

Sorry about the double rant, I’ve just been feeling a bit stressed about a lot lately and that got me thinking about this and I felt the need to express how I feel about the topic.

– T

 

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On Happiness and People

19 Dec

(Just to keep note: I don’t want to stop associating with anyone I am merely pointing out this little thing I’ve noticed and it’s more people wanting to disassociate with me so don’t worry)

What I should say is on other people’s happiness but I’m not quite sure if it’s the right way to phrase it so I’ll just explain it.

Over the years you get to meet a lot of people and talk to them and with some maybe even be friends and whatnot…but sometimes friendships fade and that’s just a part of life.

But then there is the more complicated side to friendship that is when one or both friends kindof don’t get along anymore but don’t hate each other they’ve just moved on in their lives I suppose, well then the friend or friends that want to move on a bit stay because they don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. Complicated isn’t it?

Well let me tell you this: if any of my friends or acquaintances don’t want to be associated with me well then that’s fine, I’d rather people be happy with people they’d rather be with than be miserable or whatever with people they like they just don’t get along with anymore…

I feel like sometimes people pretend to want to keep being friends with someone because they don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt and honestly I think everyone’s feelings are going to get hurt anyways but people have to just do what makes them happy, I’m not saying don’t keep in touch if you don’t want to let go completely, I’m just saying don’t feel obliged to keep the friendship at the same level that it was if that doesn’t make you happy.

So basically, what I’m saying is: you can still be friends without being close.

-T

 

On friends…again?

7 Dec

Real talk: I’ve never been super close with any of my friends, except maybe two people but that has long gone and since then, I haven’t had anyone I was close to.

Now I’m not sure if this is my fault or if this is because people don’t enjoy my company or if it’s a combination of the two. Going back to the “on having low self esteem” post I can honestly say I feel the same way about this as in I don’t know if people think I’m annoying or not which therefore makes me less likely to talk to people because I don’t want to annoy and/or bother anyone or make them feel like “UGH SHE’S TALKING TO ME AGAIN OK PLEASE LEAVE MY FACE” so I just…don’t.

So back to the fact that I’ve never been super close with anyone thing…yeah how does that stop? How does one find people that they enjoy talking to and eventually you know…friends? I don’t know, I only have questions not answers.

When I say “I’m confused” what I mean is “How does one live this thing called life and not be sad or angry or blegh all the time? How do people live blissful lives without having extreme anxiety?”

I mean this is just another burst of reality for ya, it’s also something I came to realise very recently and I don’t really know what to do about it, what I do know is I don’t know what to do but I hope that someday I will because I need some sort of positive development in my life as appose to this shitty development I call a deteriorated state of mental well-being.

WHAT DO I DO

-T