Archive | August, 2016

On being “Triggered” and understanding what that even means

31 Aug

Before you read this I suggest you go read my previous post just to get some background into my situation if you’re interested (and why would you be you don’t know me haha).

Triggered: when something shocks, or triggers something in you that you didn’t necessarily want out…I think.

I have been triggered.

So I’ve been going to university for about a year now, I’m in my second year and I hate it. I’ve hated it from the beginning. From the first day of orientation till now. I hate every minute of it.

Don’t get me wrong I TRY to like it, I TRY to make it fun but nothing works.

Orientation or Freshers week might’ve triggered me. During orientation (freshers) week we had little bags stuck on the wall with all of our names in them, and the point was to pass notes in them to other people you might be too shy to talk to or whatever. I didn’t want people who might not get a note to feel bad so I put a bunch of anonymous notes saying “nice shirt” and “smile” and stuff like that.

On the last day we had to take our bags and guess what? I had one note that said “great job you’re the best team member :)” or something like that from my team leader (we all had teams we were split up in). Now I wasn’t upset but it did make me come to the realisation that almost everybody at uni is a shitbag. Easy, plain and simple 🙂

It’s sad but honestly my life is pretty sad what can I say. And basically from that day on I’ve given up on this school, not my life or anything because I have a pretty good life it’s my uni and the people in it that’s shit. But I have to be with these people for the next 3 years so I can’t say anything but PLEASE GET ME TP GRADUATION NOW!

People always ask me if there’s anything that cheers me up and I guess just being there, existing, being a good person, that’s fine with me…that’ll bring me true joy 🙂

And that’s why I’ve been upset recently, I mean I only just had the courage to post it on here.

I just needed to vent.

Thank you for listening 🙂

-T

On not caring anymore but also caring quite a lot

29 Aug

Wait hold on that doesn’t sound right…ok I care but also I don’t…let me explain.

I care about life and living and being myself and having fun and being happy and free but what I don’t care about is uni…but also I do care at the same time.

I care because I want to do well and graduate. But last year, my freshman year, I went through an unbelievably stressful time and I kept myself organised and did my work on time and all that but I just wasn’t…happy. I was depressed, I cried a lot and I was too afraid to go to the counsellor because I didn’t even know what to say! 

Like I know people who are unorganised and stressed because of it but I was organised and stressed…I was just an emotional and mental mess. By the end of the semester we had to go a project, the final project for class and I was partnered up with someone. Fine, sure. I was ok with it.

The problems started happening when we could no longer work together, sure we disagreed and didn’t like each other at all but usually I could totally work with anyone even people I don’t particularly like. But it also got to a point where we couldn’t even look each other in the eye and we meshed whatever we both had to make the shitshow that was our project. 

But then this thing happened where everything last year freaked me out and then I had a bunch of extracurricular responsibilities and all that…it was all just too much! It got to the point where the last two weeks consisted of me wanting to cry everytime I entered the building, and I did when I saw a professor, but I held it in until I got to the toilet because no way was I going to cry in front of them.

I had to attend an evaluation meeting for one of my classes and it was the problematic class…I could only give him “ok” “yes” and a very cracked “I’m fine” because I was holding in my tears and I wanted to get this meeting over and done with so I could go to the toilet and cry. 

I’m not exactly sure how to say this but this summer had saved me from myself. I cried everytime I thought about that class and my situation and I had a panic attack whenever I thought about university in general…none of this was good for me. 

But this summer I discovered fandoms and some wonderful people on the internet that were supportive and nice, I’ve only really got like 2 friends and none of them go to my uni so I’m alone there. They’ve been kindof supportive it’s just there are some things that just feel too close to home to talk to them about. But these internet people are so nice and fun to talk to and they made me feel less alone. I think what happened was they saved me from my lonely mental state. So now even at uni I feel less like a loser (still a loser just like 20% LESS like a loser) and it’s done wonders for my mental state.

But also let me explain the I don’t care bit because I do care but I don’t want to put the pressure I had on myself last year lest I have a mental and emotional breakdown again this year…seriously I hope that doesn’t happen anytime soon to any of you reading this because it hurts me and I can’t deal with it…even now my eyes water when I think about last year…I have mini panic moments (not attacks) and I feel like it’s somehow related to my previous mental state and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I’m still not happy but I mean really I’m much happier now than I was a few years ago and that’s progress to me. 

But I don’t care for me means I’ll do the work on time and shit but I won’t force myself to work, I don’t think I even can anymore because my brain has programmed itself to not work when I don’t want to work. This isn’t a good thing but honestly as long as I don’t go through that again I don’t even care. 

So when I say I appreciate and thank you all for getting me out of my insanely mental zone I mean it with all my heart and soul. 

And I try to be nice and supportive on Twitter and stuff because I don’t want any of you to go through the kind of crisis I’ve been through and one I guess I’m still kindof going through. 

Thanks, whether anybody reads this or not I just wanna let you know that you can do great things, and I sincerely hope you don’t go through this ever, in your entire life, because it sucks and I hate it and nobody deserves this. 

-T

A not so rant for once…

26 Aug

This probably doesn’t make any sense but look here’s the story/rant/I don’t know what to call this.

Since joining a fandom I have apparently emotionally invested my time in it, I don’t know how to use photoshop or make gifs but hey I contribute through text.

But since joining this fandom I have become… “friends” ( I can’t say friends without quotes until it is confirmed or we meet or something because I don’t think we’re so close that we can call each other friends yet) with a bunch of people and it’s nice…but it also means when one of them feels sad, alone, unhappy, annoyed, I feel sad, alone, unhappy and annoyed and I try, with all my power I try to up their mood by making them happy but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to make people happy I just exist.

I believe that every single one of them is more than capable of achieving their dreams and they are all wonderful and just the most amazing humans to exist on the internet.

With that said,I also sortof care about their well being, but caring about them has made me realise that I care about all of humanity it just so happens I’ve gotten to know them better than all of humanity…

Is this weird? It’s probably weird…look I’m a weird person get over it already! I mean I have a damn blog just to rant and like 5 other blogs for various reasons… Please if you’re reading this, please believe in yourself, don’t be a silly goose! Believe in yourself and you can do literally anything.

– T

On being lonely…and also not really anymore…

23 Aug

Ok when I said lonely I meant alone, but not by choice, and not in the romantic sense but in the platonic sense…let me explain.

For the past few years there has been a significant change in my personality…I went from a full extrovert to a full introvert, which is fine but also a bit of a shock to my system.

The thing is I stopped having real life, talky-chatty, texty friends back in the 8th grade, I mean I do have two friends like that but they’re not in my school or university so I basically have no friends in school or uni, which is daunting to say the least because everybody’s got their class partner, the person they chat with and what have I got? The extra people who don’t have a partner, whom I can’t even properly talk to because they don’t talk to me and since becoming this introvert I have started to internally hide in my turtle shell…meaning I am physically unable to start proper conversations or make eye contact with new people.

It’s weird because on the internet, with people I don’t even necessarily see, I am a little more comfortable but also get really nervous like if I reply to someone and I see that they’re online and they don’t acknowledge my reply in any way my brain goes “OH GOD THEY HATE YOU HAHA! YOU SAID SOMETHING TERRIBLE AND NOW THEY HATE YOU! WELL DONE. I HATE YOU TOO!” but I can’t express this online because everybody’s already so negative and sad and I don’t want to include my own negativity and sadness and try to make everything more positive, because you know how pretending to be positive will result in actually becoming positive? It’s the fake it till you make it thing and I firmly believe that one day I will be a more positive and confident person.

Now let me explain the “not really anymore” part.

Since becoming a member of a fandom I have automatically started connecting with people from that fandom…which is great because I don’t have anyone to connect with in general and that is just one of the most depressing yet completely and totally honest thing. I don’t join clubs because they don’t interest me and I don’t really have a group of people I talk to and hang out with so I’m basically the loner…with her laptop…sitting by the library because I don’t want people to see what I’m watching which is mostly YouTube videos and really stupid shows that make me laugh because I need to laugh more in my life and I don’t know how else to go about doing so.

The fandom has saved me from my own lonely brain…in a way. So whenever I feel depressed or sad or not bothered for the world I go to Twitter, see what other people are up to, I’m on twitter a lot because my real life is either boring or sad or people ignore me so what else am i going to do…

And just a heads up I was depressed…still am…but I am now less depressed because I know that someone, somewhere out there, likes the same things as me, feels the same way about things as me and is nicer to me than my real life “friends”…how sad is that? Pretty sad but also I’m used to it…I just needed to vent about it.

So depression update: 60% less depresssed than I was 4 years ago but hey who knows maybe by 2017 I’m all done with this shitfest…I sincerely hope so…I hate this turtleshell awkwardness but then feel bad about not connecting with people because of my awkwardness and make myself feel like it’s all my fault… I HATE IT!

Anyways…that’s it for now…

On off topic long conversations that go nowhere 

5 Aug

You’ve been there… Having a conversation with someone…stating your opinions with facts…and then all of a sudden they go “hold on a minute” and go off in a much longer, very unnecessary conversation about the same topic whilst stating “facts” and go off on extreme tangents to the point where your brain says STOP PLEASE STOP! 

Ok that’s it. 

– T