On Friendships and Why I don’t care anymore…but I also kindof do?

19 Dec

I care…a lot…I care a lot about my friends…I care an INSANE amount…so much in fact that I don’t even know how to cope with it so I’ve learned to not care in a way…if I’ve ever said I feel a bit like a robot in the past (because I do feel like that sometimes) well then this honestly doesn’t help my case.

When I say I feel robotic I mean I lack some some emotion when I feel like I should feel more than I do…outer emotion at least, because inside I am a mess!…sometimes

I’m not quite sure how or why or when this started but my friends and I used to have a give and take sort of relationship and it then became more of a take and then we fade away only to have occasional awkward chats in the hallways before class starts.

(related to my previous post) When a friend or acquaintance starts to hate me for not doing the thing they wanted me to do well then so be it…I’m not going against my own personal standards to satisfy other people. It’s wrong in my opinion and is the equivalent of changing yourself for other people who let’s be honest probably don’t care about you or like you in the first place!

And like I said before, if people don’t enjoy my company then they should honestly not do so because there are other people out there they enjoy the company of more than me so why are they talking to me if I’m not even one of the people they enjoy having a chat with…

Y’know, I’m just tired, this is the kind of thing that upsets me…more than people leaving (life moves on y’know) it’s just people hanging out with me when they would rather be with other people they would probably get along with better makes me sad because why? Why would you put yourself through this? Why would you talk to me if you do not enjoy or if I annoy you in some way…It’s easy to just fade away and I feel robotic because some people would feel really bad or sad about it but I, on the other hand don’t really care? I care about my friends of course, even if we’re not friends anymore it’s just that I won’t be as hurt if they decide to not be friends anymore…does that make sense?

Several people have told me that I am not robotic and ok I’m not I just feel it when I have less emotions than I feel like I should have…I honestly don’t even know how to deal with that…I thought I had an actual problem but it turns out it’s just that I’ve become immune to that sort of pain in a way? I’ve been through it way too many times to count and I guess I’ve learned to stop letting my brain hurt me so I just…pretend like it was never a big deal…which is a bad thing but is actually my only coping mechanism I don’t know what to do with my life sometimes ok. Life is complicated if people have any healthier coping mechanisms than maybe, just maybe I could try that but for now this will have to do.

Or it honestly could all just be in my head…I’ll never know because people aren’t clear enough.

Sorry about the double rant, I’ve just been feeling a bit stressed about a lot lately and that got me thinking about this and I felt the need to express how I feel about the topic.

– T



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