On my annoying personality aka Truth or Paranoia?

4 Nov

Usually when I’m really busy but keep thinking about things that are unrelated I get distracted and lose focus and stop working. This is the case now, you don’t have to read my little rant/confession(?)/I don’t even know I just need to say a thing.

You can leave or stay, up to you but this will be pretty pessimistic and I don’t recommend you read this unless you’re willing to be patient because I feel kindof bad and I need to let out what’s on my mind…nobody really reads this so I dunno why I felt the need to state this but in case anybody comes in, hi, i’m sorry about this I’m not usually like this I just need to vent a bit.

Alrighty then, here’s the thing: I know I can be annoying, because I am a human being. Human beings can be annoying, this is true, but I know that I, in particular can be an annoying little shit sometimes…or all the time…it really depends on how I’m feeling that day.

Sometimes people hint at it, sometimes people don’t, sometimes I know I’m annoying but I have to say what I’m saying or doing what I’m doing but sometimes I don’t know I’m being annoying and I would really like people to tell me whether or not I’ve crossed a line.

I know it sounds weird and a lot of people (maybe not) out there will say “no you’re not annoying!”, but I am. That’s not like I’m downgrading myself or trying to be purposely mean to myself or anything but I know that annoyance is a factor of my personality as a person. I’ve become distant with a lot of friends…or more like they’ve become distant with me…does that make sense? Well you get the point. I feel like a part of that (maybe it’s not all of it, maybe it is I don’t know) has to do with the fact that I am annoying, yes ladies and gentlemen, I am aware of it but I don’t know how to fix it…hence why I’m distant with friends. I thought maybe not talking to them as often or as much might be healthier so nobody yells at me for being THE MOST ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT and we keep it light and easy but that’s not what happened, instead, my friends and I are quite distant from each other to the point where we barely even talk…or actually…we don’t talk at all. I know I’m supposed to say something, text them perhaps, but I have nothing to say! Which I’m pretty sure was the subject of one of my previous posts…not sure…but I remember mentioning how people say “if you ever wanna talk, just DM me” to which I don’t because I have nothing to say and even if I did I wouldn’t want to bother them with my useless shit so I don’t say anything at all.

Some people might find that annoying, but maybe they don’t, maybe they think “good riddens! She was so annoying, I’m glad she’s gone” which to be honest is how I imagine most people’s thinking when it comes to me, if anyone ever sees this and goes “no you’re not!” I’m still not gonna believe them and I will probably continue believing that they are just nice people who don’t want to hurt me but also think I’m annoying…heck maybe this post annoys you…I DON’T KNOW!

I’ve seen a lot of people say things like “i’m dumb” or “i’m ugly” when that’s not true, but I can’t help but think “i’m annoying” all the freakin time.

I don’t know where I’m going with this…look what I’m trying to say is I’m annoying and I’m sorry about that. Sometimes I’m annoying for a purpose like I am aware of my annoyance and that the other person is annoyed but I have to say what I’m saying because there is a legitimate good reason behind it. However, sometimes I’m annoying but I don’t mean to be, in these instances it would be nice to give me a friendly hint about it because I need to know where to draw the line, please don’t let me go overboard. I will try to be less annoying but I honestly don’t know how to stop it other than to stop communicating completely…which is also why I’m quiet with my friends in real life…and the internet humans really…unless someone says something I can respond to or asks a question I’ve recently become quieter because I don’t want to annoy or bother anyone at all, I am thoroughly sorry for any disturbance or annoyance I have caused and I will not take it personally if you choose to stop communicating with me, I mean it’s up to you I’ve been alone for so long I’m not used to talking to people that now I do it feels weird…and exhausting…wow I really am an introvert…

In other words I’m annoying, I’m sorry about that and if I ever annoy you please let me know.

Honestly, just writing this out made me feel better about it, it’s something I’m really trying to change and stop but I can’t do that if I don’t know I am.

(oh and if you got this far: hi, please don’t think negative thoughts about yourself because they’re not true, I’m just having a bit of a mental breakdown due to stress, lack of sleep and a whole bunch of shit you don’t want to have in your head, so just think positively or at least try!)

Thank you 🙂

– T

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