On Having a Low Self Esteem

28 Oct

Here’s the thing…I always thought there was something inherently wrong with me, I always felt annoying, like I annoyed everyone around me. I’m not sure why I think this, but I do and I actually believe this to be true.

Sometimes I feel like people are being nice to me when they don’t tell me I’m annoying but it doesn’t matter if they do because I AM annoying, or at least I feel like I am ALL THE DAMN TIME. The issue with feeling this way is that maybe sometimes it’s not true but I won’t know when it is or isn’t because I define myself as annoying and so that, to me, is a trait that makes up a large portion of my personality.

I am a relatively confident person, I am pretty confident with myself and my actions, however I have “low self esteem” apparently,  which means:

  • Believing that’s there’s something wrong with me…yeah, true.
  • “self esteem” or “panic” attacks when I do something I think is stupid or in my case, annoying, or when I do something that I think is stupid AND annoying at the same time, like message someone and if they don’t answer my question or something I get all panicky and sometimes out of breath? Yeah that happens. All. The. Freakin. Time. Which is why I don’t message people that often and on Twitter when people say “oh DM me, we gotta continue this convo” or “u ok? if you wanna talk, I’m here to listen” ok I really need to let this out.
    • in the first instance when people say “we gotta chat later, DM me or hit me up” makes me feel anxious to do so because
      • A: people are busy and I really don’t wanna bother them
      • B: I don’t really have much to say so to start a conversation other people probably don’t even want me to talk to them (see A) then why even bother.
    • In the second instance aka the “if something’s wrong and you wanna chat come DM me and I’ll listen” or whatever it does 2 things
      • Just the fact that people offered makes me feel better but also
      • It makes me feel like I’m a burden and a little bit annoying so I don’t bother and basically let it ride out because I literally don’t have anyone to talk to about the shit I’m anxious, nervous, angry or sad about.

Now I know this sounds stupid but I don’t know, maybe I’m over analysing this but I just dont’ want to be a burden or anything like that. I just want everyone to not be annoyed by me which is never going to happen so again, why bother.

I’ve spent a large portion of my life not talking to people about my problems and shit and basically dealing with it myself, because for the last few years I haven’t had anyone I could confide in, that one friend that calls me up at 7 in the morning on holidays just to vent about the thing that’s upsetting them, but even in those days I never had the confidence to call them up and talk about my problems…I think I need some real help. So because I’ve spent a large portion, more specifically, the last few years without anyone I could properly talk to and confide in, I’ve kindof gotten used to this “loner” status of mine but it’s strange because I get a little sad when I see close friends confide in each other which kindof hurts soemtimes but like I said, I don’t even care anymore. Life is life, I’ll live and see what happens because who even gives a shit anymore.

Which is weird and true and boy oh boy does this clear up shit for me, also just letting it out makes me feel better? Which is a weird concept for me because I would’ve thought this would make me feel worse but nah, it makes me give no shits about it. I should stop overthinking but I can’t help myself and I do try but like I said: I don’t want to be annoying or a burden on anyone! I get really happy when people take me up on my offer and I don’t feel annoyed at all, but I can’t take up other people’s offer because I feel like I’M the annoying one and that is just the last thing I want to be, right next to accountant (because I’m really bad with math but accountants are pretty cool sometimes so it’s not supposed to be insulting I’m just being realistic with myself in that I couldn’t be one if I wanted to to be honest”

I’ve said in previous posts that I’ve been having these “panic moments” not as serious as a panic attack but like a tiny version lasting a couple of seconds? It happens when I do something I deem to be stupid, annoying or when I think about things that I don’t necessarily want to think about or when people are hurt and I can’t help and DAMMIT I DON’T KNOW.

I just needed to put it out there.

Great. Now move on, get going with your day, I hope you have a great one 🙂

-T

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