On not caring anymore but also caring quite a lot

29 Aug

Wait hold on that doesn’t sound right…ok I care but also I don’t…let me explain.

I care about life and living and being myself and having fun and being happy and free but what I don’t care about is uni…but also I do care at the same time.

I care because I want to do well and graduate. But last year, my freshman year, I went through an unbelievably stressful time and I kept myself organised and did my work on time and all that but I just wasn’t…happy. I was depressed, I cried a lot and I was too afraid to go to the counsellor because I didn’t even know what to say! 

Like I know people who are unorganised and stressed because of it but I was organised and stressed…I was just an emotional and mental mess. By the end of the semester we had to go a project, the final project for class and I was partnered up with someone. Fine, sure. I was ok with it.

The problems started happening when we could no longer work together, sure we disagreed and didn’t like each other at all but usually I could totally work with anyone even people I don’t particularly like. But it also got to a point where we couldn’t even look each other in the eye and we meshed whatever we both had to make the shitshow that was our project. 

But then this thing happened where everything last year freaked me out and then I had a bunch of extracurricular responsibilities and all that…it was all just too much! It got to the point where the last two weeks consisted of me wanting to cry everytime I entered the building, and I did when I saw a professor, but I held it in until I got to the toilet because no way was I going to cry in front of them.

I had to attend an evaluation meeting for one of my classes and it was the problematic class…I could only give him “ok” “yes” and a very cracked “I’m fine” because I was holding in my tears and I wanted to get this meeting over and done with so I could go to the toilet and cry. 

I’m not exactly sure how to say this but this summer had saved me from myself. I cried everytime I thought about that class and my situation and I had a panic attack whenever I thought about university in general…none of this was good for me. 

But this summer I discovered fandoms and some wonderful people on the internet that were supportive and nice, I’ve only really got like 2 friends and none of them go to my uni so I’m alone there. They’ve been kindof supportive it’s just there are some things that just feel too close to home to talk to them about. But these internet people are so nice and fun to talk to and they made me feel less alone. I think what happened was they saved me from my lonely mental state. So now even at uni I feel less like a loser (still a loser just like 20% LESS like a loser) and it’s done wonders for my mental state.

But also let me explain the I don’t care bit because I do care but I don’t want to put the pressure I had on myself last year lest I have a mental and emotional breakdown again this year…seriously I hope that doesn’t happen anytime soon to any of you reading this because it hurts me and I can’t deal with it…even now my eyes water when I think about last year…I have mini panic moments (not attacks) and I feel like it’s somehow related to my previous mental state and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I’m still not happy but I mean really I’m much happier now than I was a few years ago and that’s progress to me. 

But I don’t care for me means I’ll do the work on time and shit but I won’t force myself to work, I don’t think I even can anymore because my brain has programmed itself to not work when I don’t want to work. This isn’t a good thing but honestly as long as I don’t go through that again I don’t even care. 

So when I say I appreciate and thank you all for getting me out of my insanely mental zone I mean it with all my heart and soul. 

And I try to be nice and supportive on Twitter and stuff because I don’t want any of you to go through the kind of crisis I’ve been through and one I guess I’m still kindof going through. 

Thanks, whether anybody reads this or not I just wanna let you know that you can do great things, and I sincerely hope you don’t go through this ever, in your entire life, because it sucks and I hate it and nobody deserves this. 

-T

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