On being lonely…and also not really anymore…

23 Aug

Ok when I said lonely I meant alone, but not by choice, and not in the romantic sense but in the platonic sense…let me explain.

For the past few years there has been a significant change in my personality…I went from a full extrovert to a full introvert, which is fine but also a bit of a shock to my system.

The thing is I stopped having real life, talky-chatty, texty friends back in the 8th grade, I mean I do have two friends like that but they’re not in my school or university so I basically have no friends in school or uni, which is daunting to say the least because everybody’s got their class partner, the person they chat with and what have I got? The extra people who don’t have a partner, whom I can’t even properly talk to because they don’t talk to me and since becoming this introvert I have started to internally hide in my turtle shell…meaning I am physically unable to start proper conversations or make eye contact with new people.

It’s weird because on the internet, with people I don’t even necessarily see, I am a little more comfortable but also get really nervous like if I reply to someone and I see that they’re online and they don’t acknowledge my reply in any way my brain goes “OH GOD THEY HATE YOU HAHA! YOU SAID SOMETHING TERRIBLE AND NOW THEY HATE YOU! WELL DONE. I HATE YOU TOO!” but I can’t express this online because everybody’s already so negative and sad and I don’t want to include my own negativity and sadness and try to make everything more positive, because you know how pretending to be positive will result in actually becoming positive? It’s the fake it till you make it thing and I firmly believe that one day I will be a more positive and confident person.

Now let me explain the “not really anymore” part.

Since becoming a member of a fandom I have automatically started connecting with people from that fandom…which is great because I don’t have anyone to connect with in general and that is just one of the most depressing yet completely and totally honest thing. I don’t join clubs because they don’t interest me and I don’t really have a group of people I talk to and hang out with so I’m basically the loner…with her laptop…sitting by the library because I don’t want people to see what I’m watching which is mostly YouTube videos and really stupid shows that make me laugh because I need to laugh more in my life and I don’t know how else to go about doing so.

The fandom has saved me from my own lonely brain…in a way. So whenever I feel depressed or sad or not bothered for the world I go to Twitter, see what other people are up to, I’m on twitter a lot because my real life is either boring or sad or people ignore me so what else am i going to do…

And just a heads up I was depressed…still am…but I am now less depressed because I know that someone, somewhere out there, likes the same things as me, feels the same way about things as me and is nicer to me than my real life “friends”…how sad is that? Pretty sad but also I’m used to it…I just needed to vent about it.

So depression update: 60% less depresssed than I was 4 years ago but hey who knows maybe by 2017 I’m all done with this shitfest…I sincerely hope so…I hate this turtleshell awkwardness but then feel bad about not connecting with people because of my awkwardness and make myself feel like it’s all my fault… I HATE IT!

Anyways…that’s it for now…


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